Life-altering, money-sucking, poop machines

As most know, I'm allergic to dogs, vegetables, children, and country music...though not necessarily in that order. In regards to #3, children: "Do you want to hold the baby?" HELL NO. I have no desire to wrangle a smelly, shitting, wailing, little parasite. Having said that, if you NEED me to hold it, rest assured that I'd protect the annoying vermin with my very life. Do you see the difference? Fondness is not required for devotion. Let me know when the lizard is old enough to appreciate good bourbon, flexible strippers, and can rationalize his/her own opinions. Then, we'll bond.